In Emotional Blackmail...Susan Forward and Donna Frazier explain how people manipulate you through fear, obligation, and guilt. These methods can be shortened to the acronym "FOG."
Fear
Manipulators use fear of harming you, themselves, or other people to make you do what they want out of fear for perceived or real punishment. Here are some ways that abusers use fear:
Threatening to commit suicide if you leave them
Using physical violence against you
Saying they will hurt someone else if you make them angry
Verbally and emotionally abusing you.
Threatening to make false reports about you to law enforcement
Spreading rumors or threatening to spread rumors about you.
Making it seem like something bad will happen if they don't get their way
Obligation
Obligation is action, duty, or commitment that we are morally or legally bound to and can be socially, or culturally influenced. Abusive people can use your sense of obligation to get you to do their bidding by questioning your loyalty, morality, integrity, and sense of fairness.
Furthermore, an abuser may hold you to expectations and promises that you made in the relationship, while simultaneously breaking their own promises or oaths. Here are some examples:
Come on, we’re in a relationship You’re supposed to meet my needs. I don’t understand why this is even an issue—it’s your responsibility to make me happy.
See Sexual Abuse and Coercion
But as my wife/ husband, it’s your duty to fulfill your role in this marriage. The Bible says that a wife/husband shouldn’t deny her husband. Refusing me isn’t right in the eyes of God.
See Sexual Abuse and Coercion
You're always so busy with work and your friends. You never have time for me. If you really loved me, you'd prioritize our relationship and spend more time with me.
See Red Flags in Relationships
I've been struggling to pay my credit card bills. Can you take out a loan or use your savings to cover my debt? If you don't, I'll have to declare bankruptcy, and it'll ruin my credit score. You don't want that to happen, do you?
See Economic Abuse
What about the kids? They need a stable home with both parents. If you leave, you'll be abandoning them and ruining their lives. It's your job to put their needs first.
Look at all these gifts I've given you. You can't just walk away after everything I've done for you. You owe me another chance.
Guilt
In an abusive relationship guilt can be used to make you feel bad for going against their will, and trying to set healthy boundaries. Similar to obligation, abusers can use your empathy and compassion against you to control who you spend time with, what resources you have access to, what opportunities you pursue, etc. Here are some examples:
So you’d rather spend all your time working than being with me? I guess making more money is more important than our relationship. But don’t worry about me—I’ll just be here, alone, while you’re off chasing your career.
I thought you loved me, but I guess I was wrong. Do you even care about our relationship? You know I’ve been waiting for this, but clearly, my needs don’t matter to you.
I guess your friends are more important than me. I thought we were supposed to be a team, but clearly, I don't mean much to you.
So you have time for that, but not for me? I don’t understand why you need to do these things, but I guess your happiness is more important than our relationship.
I thought we were closer than that. I’ve done so much for you, and this is how you show you care? You know, other people in relationships don’t have these kinds of problems.
How F.O.G. can make you feel
Fear, obligation and guilt can make you feel confused and like you don't know where you, or your relationship is going. It can obscure the truth and make it hard to see what is really going on around you. You may not even know you are dealing with F.O.G. but you may feel its effects on your mental state and relationship.
F.O.G. can also make you feel hopeless, or helpless, but you don't have to be.
How to combat fear, obligation, and guilt
Here are some ways you can combat F.O.G. in your life.
You can learn about manipulation, abuse tactics, and learn how to recognize fear, obligation, and guilt in your relationships.
You can learn how to establish heathy boundaries and enforce them against manipulative people.
You can learn what makes you vulnerable to F.O.G. and strategies to deal with it with a therapist, counselor, or support group.
REMEMBER!
You are allowed to say no!
You are allowed to have needs outside of your partner.
You are allowed to set healthy boundaries and remove people from your life who don't respect them.
You can escape the F.O.G.
You Matter!
If you or a friend is experiencing abuse in a relationship, seek help. You are not alone. YOU MATTER!
SOURCES
Forward, Susan, et al. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life
Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. Triumph Pub. Co., 1997.
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