How to Break a Trauma Bond

When I left my toxic relationship I found myself obsessing over positive memories. I missed my ex, even though our relationship had been terrible. I felt embarrassed and crazy. How could I miss someone who wasn’t nice to me? Why couldn’t I just forget about it all?

Later, I learned it was because I was dealing with a TRAUMA BOND.

TRAUMA BONDS can feel very intense, addictive even, and can last long after breaking up...but they CAN be broken. Here's how:

Recognize your own Cognitive Dissonance

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE is discomfort that arises from holding conflicting

thoughts, beliefs, values, or actions at the same time. In abuse recovery, this can cover conflicting beliefs you have about your abusers personality, how your relationship went, or what the future would look like if you returned to the same situation.

Leaving an abusive situation, especially with a trauma bond can be hard. You may find yourself thinking of them often. You may feel confused and that is okay.

RECOGNIZE what is happening to you and give space for your own feelings, and the truth.

For this step, it can be helpful to journal, or record your thoughts. It can also be helpful to have friends or family remind you of the truth, if you feel like you are idealizing your past relationship. Here are some examples:

Maybe I am just overreacting about it...but if my friend told me this was happening to them, I would tell them to leave.
He was just stressed...but stress is not an excuse for abuse.
He didn’t know better. He couldn’t help it...but if someone can’t “help” abusing me, I really can’t be around them. We are responsible for our actions as adults.
He said he loved me...but he didn’t treat me with respect. That’s not love.
Maybe if I tried harder things would be different...but I don’t need to wait for someone to learn to be nice to me.

Journaling can help you process your feelings

Go NO or LOW CONTACT as much as possible.

It can be hard to heal from a TRAUMA BOND when your abuser is still actively part of

your life. Creating as much physical and emotional distance as you can, can

give you space to heal.

It can feel emotionally hard to separate yourself from someone you love, even if they treat you badly. If you find yourself obsessing, or that you can't help yourself from responding to them, consider the following strategies:

Tell trusted family & friends about your goal to go no contact to help keep you accountable
Block your abuser on social media. Archive chats. Delete their number.
Create new routines that minimize your chances of seeing your abuser.
Get help for struggles that make you prone to seeking out your abuser. (substance abuse, unresolved trauma, codependency)
Join support groups or go to therapy. Build community to help you succeed.

However, it isn’t always possible to go NO CONTACT. In this case, creating BOUNDARIES around limiting contact can also help. Here are some examples of how you can create boundaries around communication.

If you have children with your abuser, consider using co-parenting apps that create records of your contact.
Mute notifications from your abuser to minimize compulsions to respond or emotional triggers.
Alert family & friends to not engage with your abuser if they try to use them as messengers.

Build a Support Network

This can include seeking professional help (therapy or counselling) for your experiences, joining support groups, and/or reaching out to trusted family members and friends who will help you reinforce your goals or help you leave the situation for good.

Rebuild your Self-Esteem

Finding an identity and sense of self outside of the relationship will help you move on and find hope for the future. This can be through exercising your independence by trying new hobbies, meeting new people, and investing in your own well-being.

Challenge your own Biases and Social Expectations

Our engrained attitudes and beliefs can encourage us to return to toxic situations. Be careful that someone else’s expectation of your life does not come at the cost of your safety.

Challenging social norms and expectations can be difficult, especially when related to culture or religion. For example, if divorce is looked upon negatively in your religion, or if single motherhood is shamed.

Try to ask yourself these questions when challenging your own biases:

Do I want to live this way forever to please other people?
Is this feeling of shame helping me, or stopping me from helping myself?
Am I safe? Is staying in this situation for others putting my own life in danger?
Would God really want me to live my life trapped and suffering? (probably not)
Is this relationship actually good for my children? Or do I just want it to be?
Am I willing to wait forever on something that might not change?