Intermittent Reinforcement in Relationship Abuse

INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT is a manipulation tactic in which abusive behavior (punishment) is mixed with random displays of affection (reward).

Intermittent Reinforcement is unpredictable, sporadic, emotionally damaging & addicting. It plays a role in the creation of trauma bonds.

Punishments and Rewards in Abusive Relationships

PUNISHMENTS are abusive events or actions that are upsetting, confusing, and often physically or emotionally damaging.

REWARDS are positive actions such as displays of affection, comfort, and empathy. In abusive relationships, rewards can look like lovebombing.

Intermittent Reinforcement Examples

Here are a few examples of Intermittent Reinforcement in a relationship:

An abuser, after weeks of emotional and physical incidents, gets their partner flowers or sends an overly affectionate message of gratitude.
An abuser who routinely ignores and neglects their partner, takes sudden interest back into the relationship.
An abuser, after continuously minimizing and trivializing their partners needs, organizes a date and cleans the home.

Intermittent Reinforcement's Effect on the Brain

Acts of sporadic caregiving in abusive relationships release DOPAMINE and OXYTOCIN, powerful bonding hormones that further strengthen attachment.

These sporadic positive acts further strengthen the bond between a victim and their abuser as their abuser plays both roles as the giver of trauma, and carer afterwards.

Furthermore, the continual abuse a victim suffers can erode their self-worth, determination, and independence over time, leading to emotional codependency. This can make an abuse victim start to rely on their partner as a sole source of comfort. While their partner is the poison, they are also the cure.

This is what makes intermittent reinforcement addictive.

How Intermittent Reinforcement Feels

Intermittent reinforcement can feel nice, and also bewildering as abuse victims receive polar opposite sides of their partner's good will and wrath. Because of this, victims often struggle with confusion, denial, and COGNITIVE DISSONANCE* about their partner’s true character.

In this way, the abused partner’s natural response to seek comfort in their significant other is used against them to stay in the relationship.

The reality is abusers don’t abuse ALL the time. There can be many positive moments in an abusive relationship. That’s the problem. It can be very hard to accept that your best friend is also the person who hurts you the most.

Remember YOU MATTER. You deserve to feel safe, and loved in a relationship all the time- not just sometimes. If you or anyone you know is experiencing abuse, there is help.

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