We all know red flags mean danger! Then why does it feel so hard to see them in other people?
After the end of a relationship it can be easy to look back and see warning signs that were present from the beginning. As they say "hindsight is 20/20." Then why do we miss red flags? Is it because we're blind, gullible, or foolish?
Certainly not.
Nobody gets into a relationship because they think they will be mistreated or abused. Nobody is born with an in-built lie detector. There can be a variety of reasons why you may miss red flags due to your own perceptions about what is normal in a relationship, cultural background, or community experience.
While some red flags are obvious others are subtle and easy to miss. So, Here are some reasons why you may miss red flags, but first- let's illustrate with a metaphor:
The Beach Metaphor
You're on vacation at a popular beach destination that you've heard amazing things about. You're excited because you've waited a very long time to travel there. The water is calm and the sand is clean just as you expected. You set up your umbrella and towel when something catches your eye.
A red flag.
When did that get there? You think.
Reasons you miss red flags
You don't expect them to be there or think it's a mistake
At the beginning of a relationship you may not be looking for red flags. If you see one, you may think that it's a mistake or misunderstanding.
My partner apologized. It must have been a mistake.
There's no way they would hurt me on purpose...they love me
You don't believe them because of past positive experiences
When you've built trust with someone, it can be hard to imagine that they wouldn't have your best interest in mind. Furthermore, you may find red flags hard to see if they are a respected member of your community or friend circle with a variety of people who vouch for their character.
They've never done this before, my best friend wouldn't do that to me.
All of my friends say they're such a great person.
They're so involved and respected in our church. It's not possible that they would do that.
You've been given a justification for them
You may disregard red flags if you've been given an excuse or justification for why they're there. These justifications can make you sympathetic to the red flag.
I just say dumb things when I get stressed. It's no big deal.
I do that because of my past.
You've been told to ignore them or that they don't exist
You may miss red flags if you're told to ignore them, or that they don't exist. This can include gaslighting to make you believe you haven't noticed a red flag.
"Just ignore me when I'm like that."
"I just say dumb things when I get stressed. It's no big deal."
You have rose-colored glasses about the relationship
"Rose-colored glasses" is an English phrase that means you are only able to see something in an optimistic light. In the beginning of a relationship, you may only see good-qualities about your partner and overlook warning signs.
When you have rose-colored glasses in a relationship, red flags may not appear so dangerous.
Are Red Flags Deal Breakers?
Not all red flags are deal beakers. However, they are signs that you should slow down, or take a second to evaluate if you are in a safe relationship or not. If you are unsure if the red flags you are experiencing is abuse, check out our list of red flags in a relationship.
If you feel like something is wrong, don't ignore it. You deserve to feel safe and secure in a relationship. Furthermore, someone does not have to be abusive to not be the right person for you.
You Matter!
If you or a friend is experiencing abuse in a relationship, seek help. You are not alone. YOU MATTER!
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