The Cycle of Abuse
In 1979 Lenore E. Walker interviewed 1,500 women survivors of domestic abuse and noticed a group of patterns she labeled
“THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE." Overtime, it became known as the CYCLE of ABUSE. This social theory can be helpful to some survivors to recognize patterns in their abusive relationship. It has four stages:
1. Tension Building 2. Incident 3. Reconciliation 4. Calm
Let's investigate them.
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Tension-Building
During the TENSION BUILDING PHASE internal or external stressors build from everyday life (conflict, financial problems, natural disasters, etc.) that cause the abuser to feel wronged, or like they are losing control.
The victim, sensing this, may try to reduce the tension by being more agreeable or by “walking on eggshells.”
However, despite the best efforts of the victim, the tension will eventually lead into the next phase: THE INCIDENT.
Incident
The tension breaks into one or more abusive INCIDENTS. In this phase the abuser tries to regain a feeling of POWER and CONTROL. This is also sometimes called the “acting-out” phase.
This phase can be as brief as one day or last as long as weeks, months, or even years, and can include: intimidation, physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and more.
Reconciliation
After the tension fades, the abuser may feel
ashamed of their actions or recognize a need to make amends to maintain control over their partner lest they leave or divulge their toxic behavior. In this phase they may apologize, shower the victim with affection (even
LOVEBOMB them) and promise change.
Calm
The victim may feel inclined to forgive their partner because they care about them, and their partner may be genuinely supportive during this phase. The victim may feel like their partner is returning to who they once were, and write off the abusive episode.
Alternatively, the abuser may just ignore
addressing the incident altogether until their partner reconciles with them, or threaten self-harm or abandonment.
The Cycle Restarts
However, as time goes on the INCIDENT(S)
may be minimized or explained away by the abuser. Inevitably tension builds again, and the cycle restarts.
The Cycle Continues
As the abuse continues, the CYCLE OF ABUSE may occur in shorter successions. The RECONCILIATION and CALM phase may disappear completely, leaving only TENSION and ABUSIVE INCIDENTS.
How it Stops
This cycle can happen once or hundreds
of times in a single relationship. It only ends with the dissolution of the relationship. Whether that be through intervention, a break-up, divorce, and in some cases, death.
So, how do you end the Cycle of Abuse?
First, acknowledge that you are in one. It can be hard to accept your partner is abusive, especially when you have experienced the RECONCILIATION and CALM phase multiple times. You may hope that each calm phase
will last, but deep inside you know it won’t.
Second, figure out what stage of the cycle you’re in and how you can take steps to break it. Depending on your unique situation, planning a safe exit strategy may be required.
To learn more about planning a safe exit strategy, check out:
thehotline.org/what-is-a-safety-plan/
SOURCES
Bonnie S. Fisher; Steven P. Lab. “Encyclopedia of Victimology and Crime
Prevention.” SAGE Publications; 2 February 2010. ISBN 978-1-4129-6047-2. p. 257.
Craig, Hannah, and Amanda Kippert. “What Is the Cycle of Abuse?”
DomesticShelters.Org, domesticshelters.org, 11 Aug. 2023,
www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse.
Bottaro, Angelica. “Cycle of Abuse: Understanding the 4 Parts.” Healthline,
Healthline Media, 30 Nov. 2020, www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse.